Who's Truth?

Today is what I call a respite day…a breather from the hustle-bustle of life. It’s been one of those weeks where demands have been plentiful so I may not even get out of my jammies!

On days where stillness is offered I tend to retreat inward to renew and rejuvenate the sense of self while also taking inventory along with searching for a topic or two to address in my writing.  

As often happens I drift mindlessly through the pages of the internet welcoming an outwardly induced focus which interestingly enough came by way of a quote by Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper. It stated, “Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

Ouch…perhaps she’s correct and what if it is?  The times I’ve felt lonely I might have eluded that it was because I did enjoy alone-time, being by myself, blah, blah, blah…I can’t help but wonder the applicable tendencies in my own lifetime and if so, what would it matter?

In addition to my own being and self-analysis, I reflect on individuals in my life who have suffered and endured numerous disappointments and disenchantments at the hands of others and would they admit to truth in this statement?

Would you?

Self-examination...and NO, not a breast examination!

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves -regret for the past and fear of the future.”

By Fulton Oursler

A few months back Nicholas and I were having a conversation which led to his statement: ‘I have all the friends I need!’

Really? I wondered how at twelve years old a person could so confidently express that sentiment because here I am at fifty two (well, almost) and I’m contemplating opening myself up for that proposition. I’m in the process of self-examination. A good thing, right?

Yes, but only if I’m truthful with myself which I plan on being; honest with you and honest with me. If you’ve read my blog long enough you know it is well chronicled within the wall of words that my past has been anything but uncomplicated. However, I don’t chose to hover in that place for prolonged periods; life is too short, but I do believe we can learn from the past and move onward.

People make choices for which the consequences ripple to those lives surrounding us. As a result, I think it’s our responsibility to look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves; what regrets do I have? What would I have done differently? Where do I need to go from here?

I am so excited about traveling to Ohio, beyond that of my book signing appointments. I have an array of people planning to attend from early childhood friends, high school, college as well as work related. Exhilaration is an understatement!

Sadly, I find myself comparing friends I had in Ohio to the ones I have here in North Carolina and I’m slightly embarrassed to declare I have few. I’ve been here for three plus years and the true connections I have are limited to a handful.

Surprised?  ...it is my own doing…I have withdrawn from the prospect of friends – Staff socials/ events; nope, don’t attend. Lunchroom conversations- nada. Informal gatherings or get together invitations? They are shunned as well.

I have become lonely. It is with the anticipation of traveling to Ohio that I’m realizing the valuable strong connections with people I have, the precious friends in my home state. However, my bravado of wanting the people in my life to believe I am fine or I am happy has truly hindered the honesty with self. But then again, that has been my pattern throughout life for fear of rejection.

So it’s an occasion for self assessment, and with this comes a forging ahead with uncertainties but also honoring-I am who I am. I’m not a social butterfly; I am fearful and anxious in big crowds therefore, I prefer small intimate gatherings. I’ve rejected offers since trust was lacking that anyone could truly want my company; what could I possibly offer another individual? I second guess myself and question motives. I know, shame on me, huh?

I will also pass this along to those I’ve shunned with a bit of luck I’ll make amends and allow my vulnerabilities to be visible. What’s more, I’ll also forgive myself for past actions and recall this quote made by an anonymous individual:

“If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them.”

Thanks Pooh for helping me out here...