Actually, in a number of ways, I have gone astray.
I’d be denying you ‘truth’ if I said anything else other than it was a hard week. No, not ‘life and death’ difficult, but one of those weeks where you know that there is something to be learned and with happening after happening you think, ‘Geesch, what is it I’m just not getting?’ kind of thing. Yes, it’s been one of THOSE weeks!
I am thorough. I am conscientious. I am dependable. I am meticulous. I dot my i’s and cross my t’s. Basically said, I am a self-proclaimed AND therapist noted ‘perfectionist’ and in today’s modern psychological babble; anal-retentive.
There, you have it, although if you are acquainted with me, it’s not fresh innovating news but it is startling, even to me after all these years, how it heaves my world into a tizzy.
At work we have a new program for developing IEP’s and it has been anything BUT Easi-as it is so wrongly named. It requires valuable time and of course in the realm of education, time is indeed precious. I want to teach kids! NOT expend countless hours at the computer ful-filling obligations of paperwork.
Anyway, short version being—I was presented with two notebook sheets of errors necessitating immediate corrections as well conduct meetings with parents, blah, blah, blah…very time consuming. I was mad at myself; just livid! Already, a multitude of tasks to perform: progress reports due, scheduled meetings, blogs to be read; will my blog friends think less of me if I haven’t visited their homes and read their thoughts? Nor have I even written anything in days and I haven’t responded to my friends’ e-mails, especially those experiencing hardships, extending a hand in need.
How will I make that time up with my family? This was all on Wednesday-thoughts of inadequacies permeated my mind while the usual sense of ‘calm’ I hold closely was G-O-N-E!
So to add insult to injury? Our neighbor parked his SUV on the street at the end of our drive and in pulling out to go to work, what did I do?
Yep, you guessed it! I ran right into the side of his vehicle. He’ll need a new door. We’ll need a new bumper, light and side panel.
Punishing myself at the ‘accident’, my husband’s rants and raves didn’t help out. Although my son tried to sprinkle humor on the situation when he remarked, ‘Nee Nee, if we’d been on TV you would have been ‘bleeped’…thank you Nicholas, NOT what I needed to hear!
Move forward to Friday. I met with a parent to inform her of a mistake I’d made and needing to correct it; very difficult to acknowledge and feeling horrible; I sought a hole to creep into.
However, prior to the meeting, as I sat contemplating my words to this parent, a thought perched on my shoulder and slapped me in the head…
I am a human. I make mistakes. I will continue to make errors. No one was hurt and no one died as a result of my inadequacies during this stretch of time. ( I wish I was convinced as I wrote this...)
Forgiveness is a powerful gift; you have heard me articulate that before. Although I learned a more powerful lesson--the ability to forgive youself is even more fundamental.
I’m not there yet, as I’m still ‘wishing’ I hadn’t accomplished the faults, desiring to turn back the clock. However, I suppose God has special ventures for me this week; humility, being humbled and forgiving myself, perhaps loosening the grip of perfectionism; HAH, good luck with that one!
I anticipated a strenuous week with my extensive TO-DO list, but it appears even more daunting then I originally thought. I presume I’ll come proficient in admitting my defectiveness.
…prayers and thoughts appreciated~
as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”
by Mahatma Ghandi