Sunday, March 27, 2011

...a difficult lesson...

Did you imagine I was missing in action?


Actually, in a number of ways, I have gone astray.

I’d be denying you ‘truth’ if I said anything else other than it was a hard week. No, not ‘life and death’ difficult, but one of those weeks where you know that there is something to be learned and with happening after happening you think, ‘Geesch, what is it I’m just not getting?’ kind of thing. Yes, it’s been one of THOSE weeks!

I am thorough. I am conscientious. I am dependable. I am meticulous. I dot my i’s and cross my t’s. Basically said, I am a self-proclaimed AND therapist noted ‘perfectionist’ and in today’s modern psychological babble; anal-retentive.

There, you have it, although if you are acquainted with me, it’s not fresh innovating news but it is startling, even to me after all these years, how it heaves my world into a tizzy.

At work we have a new program for developing IEP’s and it has been anything BUT Easi-as it is so wrongly named. It requires valuable time and of course in the realm of education, time is indeed precious. I want to teach kids! NOT expend countless hours at the computer ful-filling obligations of paperwork.

Anyway, short version being—I was presented with two notebook sheets of errors necessitating immediate corrections as well conduct meetings with parents, blah, blah, blah…very time consuming. I was mad at myself; just livid! Already, a multitude of tasks to perform: progress reports due, scheduled meetings, blogs to be read; will my blog friends think less of me if I haven’t visited their homes and read their thoughts? Nor have I even written anything in days and I haven’t responded to my friends’ e-mails, especially those experiencing hardships, extending a hand in need.

How will I make that time up with my family? This was all on Wednesday-thoughts of inadequacies permeated my mind while the usual sense of ‘calm’ I hold closely was G-O-N-E!

So to add insult to injury? Our neighbor parked his SUV on the street at the end of our drive and in pulling out to go to work, what did I do?

Yep, you guessed it! I ran right into the side of his vehicle. He’ll need a new door. We’ll need a new bumper, light and side panel.

Punishing myself at the ‘accident’, my husband’s rants and raves didn’t help out. Although my son tried to sprinkle humor on the situation when he remarked, ‘Nee Nee, if we’d been on TV you would have been ‘bleeped’…thank you Nicholas, NOT what I needed to hear!

Move forward to Friday. I met with a parent to inform her of a mistake I’d made and needing to correct it; very difficult to acknowledge and feeling horrible; I sought a hole to creep into.

However, prior to the meeting, as I sat contemplating my words to this parent, a thought perched on my shoulder and slapped me in the head…

I am a human. I make mistakes. I will continue to make errors. No one was hurt and no one died as a result of my inadequacies during this stretch of time. ( I wish I was convinced as I wrote this...)

Forgiveness is a powerful gift; you have heard me articulate that before. Although I learned a more powerful lesson--the ability to forgive youself is even more fundamental.

I’m not there yet, as I’m still ‘wishing’ I hadn’t accomplished the faults, desiring to turn back the clock. However, I suppose God has special ventures for me this week; humility, being humbled and forgiving myself, perhaps loosening the grip of perfectionism; HAH, good luck with that one!

I anticipated a strenuous week with my extensive TO-DO list, but it appears even more daunting then I originally thought. I presume I’ll come proficient in admitting my defectiveness.

…prayers and thoughts appreciated~

as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”
by Mahatma Ghandi

45 comments:

Teresa Evangeline said...

It was an odd little week for many....Prayers and best thoughts for you. And a hug, too.
Teresa

Dianna said...

Oh girl! I'm so sorry! But you have a good outlook on it - no one was hurt or died because of ANY of the things that happened this week. I'm coming back on Wednesday (BOO!!!! I know you know my pain!!!) and I'll come see you and catch up ~ if it's not a good time, please say so! I'll be thinking of you today as you work on your to-do list ... and during the beginning of the week ahead! XO

Muffy's Marks said...

Oh wow, what an ugly week. I hope this upcoming week is full of goodness and peace.

Kea said...

I'll add my good vibes and hope you have a Light- and Peace-filled week ahead!

KathyA said...

Hang in there -- although you seem to be doing just fine!! You're strong and a dedicated teacher and are very, very blessed as are your students.

Rita said...

Remember hearing: "There will will be days like this"? You had a week like that; they say it helps build character, but it sure doesn't feel like that when you are going through it.
The one important lesson in life is to learn to forgive yourself;that is not as easy as it seems. I am still struggling with this and I am not a young chick like you.
Sending good vibes your way.
Rita

texwisgirl said...

I think you are indeed your own worst critic. Good reminder that we're ALL human and we're ALL imperfect, no matter how hard we try... :)

I hope next week is better, dearie...

Rita said...

I forgot to tell you, I love a blogger that does not have word verification; thank you for that.
Rita

Sue said...

From one perfectionist to another, it's much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. Try to be nice to yourself this week. Be sure to do something fun each day.
Sue

Jeanie said...

Admitting a mistake can make a week hard, and adding everything else, you did indeed have a hard week. The good news is that you made it through and that week is behind you. I hope this week brings much better days your way.

Catherine said...

I think we are always harder on ourselves then we are on other people and have a harder time forgiving ourselves.

Pretend you just came over to anyone else's blog and read the same thing about their week. What would you say to them? "Mistakes happen. No one was hurt. Sometimes we just need to learn to slow down a bit.... etc." and you would totally believe it wouldn't you?

Now believe it about yourself! Things happen ~ all we can do is learn from it. Right?

I like your son's approach, finding a bit of humour in situations really does help sometimes.

Now give yourself a big hug Tracy, pat yourself on the back, and tell yourself it's all OK!!!!

Sending you extra hugs today!
xooooox Catherine

Lisa said...

Be at peace ...

Patty Ann said...

I am so sorry. I will give you one peace of quick advice which was given to me by a therapist many years ago: "There was only ever one perfect person in the world, and YOU are not HIM". When the perfectionist monster gets hold of me, I often recite that simple phrase and remember that we all make mistakes, and it is ok.

Daisy said...

Hugs to you, Tracy. I'm sorry you had such a rough week, and I hope next week will be better. Yes, everyone makes mistakes and you need to forgive yourself, let yourself off the hook, and go on. We are all works in progress. :)

Pat - Arkansas said...

You got'em (thoughts and prayers.) I hope this week is better for you. Hugs!

ShirleyC said...

I do really feel your pain! Being a retired teacher, I do know about all of the paperwork and problems with parents. I didn't have IEP's to do, but I had about 125 kids everyday to deal with and grade papers.
When I had weeks like this, and believe me, I did, all I could say was "This too shall pass!"
Hope next week is better for you!

Mildred said...

I'm so sorry Tracy. Sometimes the load is too much to carry. I'm thankful no one was hurt and I pray you will have a better week full of forgiving yourself and understanding from others. Sending a hug.

Julie Harward said...

Don't be too hard on yourself about all of it..we are all so imperfect and make so many of the same mistakes..next week will be better! ;D

Oklahoma Granny said...

A long time ago I was going through a particularly rough period and someone told me this, "If God brought you to this, He'll bring you through it too." Praying for you that this week will be a much, much better one for your.

Munir said...

Oh, so sorry about a hard week. I hope that this new week is good for you. Just remember, being hard on our selves is not good for anyone. Actually keeping a reward for every week we did not make a mistake might actually be nice.

Ginny said...

We all have bad weeks like this, so sorry about yours!! Well, it takes a LOT of time to post and then comment to everyone. None of us can really do it every day all the time unless we are a hermit and don't have a life!! We all need a big break when things get rushed or bad! And yes, we ALL make mistakes and no one is perfect! If we think we can to it all and not make mistakes, we are doomed to be very unhappy. Take a deep breath, lighten up, and eat some chocolate! We will all be there for you no matter how long the wait is!! Venting is a good thing, isn't it great to have a blog to do it??

Old Kitty said...

Awww Tracy!!!!! You are all too human with a great big heart and a fabulous blog and family!

I think the best is how you have the courage to face the parent and admit whatever mistake happened. You are sorting out the new system at work, you are dealing with the car accident. You are tackling these things head on and not hiding from them and pretending they didn't happen.

You and your family always comes first!! We in blogland will always be here ready to spring to life when you return, don't you worry about that!!! :-)

Have a peaceful restful evening, take care
x

Lin said...

Wow, that was a week!

Years ago, we had a neighbor who would park his car across the street from our driveway. My mom asked him nicely, numerous times, to please not park there. She told him that she was afraid she'd hit him. Sure enough--she did one day. But not on purpose.

We've got a neighbor who does the same thing and I told them what my mom told her neighbor. So far, I haven't hit them, but I'm waiting for the day. Why do I think they are gonna be mad?

Don't worry about blog reading or posting--we all go through times like these. It's called "living life"--it happens and you should make that priority. We'll all be here when you get back. :)

Sylvia K said...

Tracy,

You did indeed have a lousy week and I guess we all get to go through them from time to time. I've been having a series of them as I prepare to move into new housing so my son and his girl friend can continue to make plans to be together. I don't feel badly about that at all, I'm extremely happy that both of them in their 40s have found that first real love. Having said that, it is difficult to admit you're older than dirt and need to quit trying to be so totally independent -- still!! Fortunately, I've found a terrific place that has everything I could possibly want or need and that I can afford. But it's still a big upheaval and I'm just eager to get all the paper work taken care of and get moved in. It seems no matter what stage of life we find ourselves in, there are problems we didn't anticipate! Thank you for your visits and comments on my blog, they are always appreciated and I will be back to yours. I'll also be holding good thoughts for you and your family -- and the neighbors car!!! Stuff happens, what can I say???? Take care and wishing you a great week!

Sylvia

Heather said...

I hope this week is better for you...one day at a time...and no one is perfect....it's so hard to remember that! I know, trust me. Your blog family loves you! if it helps my best friend did the same thing to her neighbors car this past week...with her car, and my car and my husbands car both didnt' start this weekend...hmm? must be in the stars!
Take care and dont forget to carve out a little u time this week. xo

The Words Crafter said...

Wow, you've had it rough. I do hope you got to relax and be lazy today. Regroup. You've already gain a lot of perspective.

Praying for a healing, relaxing, and rewarding week for you.

~Kim at Golden Pines~ said...

You did have a rotten week and I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending positive vibes and energy in your direction for a great upcoming week!! Take care!!!

Mamma has spoken said...

I so feel your pain with the new program for writing IEP's!!! If your school system is like ours, just when you think you know the progam well and can do almost everything in it, they'll switch to a new and better program. Funnt thing is an IEP is an IEP no matter what program you write it on as long as it has the seven things on it.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you learn the new program, sounds like you need them ;o)

Corine said...

Tracy, you are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met in the bloggy world... to think of YOU bring hard on yourself is just more evidence to me that we must all be too hard on ourselves.

I am SO SORRY about your rough week. And so glad that you are blessed with wisdom to make it through (PS I love the quote!!! :D). YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS! I wish I had read this earlier and prayed for you sooner...

HUGS!!!
Corine :D

SquirrelQueen said...

Goodness, not the best of weeks for you. I hope this coming one treats you a lot better. We just have to do the very best we can and, whenever possible, keep a smile on our face (the smile makes others think you know something they don't know and keeps them off their guard :)

I also like Ginny's suggestion about the chocolate.

Rural Rambler said...

Tracy what a heck of a week. You don't need me telling you that you are being too hard on yourself. I tend to be hard on myself and I am a perfectionist too. It is a difficult behavior to change. But, it sounds like you are on the right track. In fact your advice about forgiving ourselves is very good and I am sure there are alot of us that could use that advice. With blogging, I never get my panties in a twist if one of the regular people that visit my blog doesn't make a comment but I do tend to worry if they are absent for awhile or don't post. Usually someone is just taking a break or really busy in their own life. Or maybe they just don't feel like being involved with the blog thing for a bit. Ok, hoping this week is better and that the car repairs go well and my prayers and good thoughts are on the way. Do something nice for yourself Tracy, something that makes your heart happy!

Jules said...

Hey, I got your back. Us humans have to stick together. :) Admitting a mistake is to conquer it.
Have a great new week.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Arkansas Patti said...

If your grisly week convinced you to forgive yourself and embrace your "rare" failings, then it was a wonderful week.
Hope you have a fun week ahead. Enough with the lessons.

Tammy@Simple Southern Happiness said...

Sounds like you need a hug and some understanding from family. YOU schedule is enough to cause a break down. I know that blogging is a release, I see so many folks giving it up as its just to much. We all understand folks are busy so your bloggin' friends will as well. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are doing what you can.

Prayers coming your way.

Out on the prairie said...

A lot of people are unaware of the massive loads of paperwork needed with all the t's crossed. Some states do pay more to do this, but not very many.It is a mess to try and untangle, I was fortunate to always have some help with this.I miss the kids but not the paper trails.

Ami said...

Stop and allow yourself to be human and imperfect.

You're doing the best you can, and that's really what matters.

Platitudes... but like stereotypes, they exist for a reason. You deserve to goof up now and then, really.

((hugs))

Jules said...

You have an award today, stop by and pick it up. :)
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

June said...

Goodness...it certainly sounds like you had a rotten week of it Tracy! So sorry about the crash at the end of the driveway. Those are the very things that make me wish I wasn't the 'cops wife'. LOL! I rear-ended a guy a couple of years ago, and the hardest call I had to make was to the hubs. But he was so awesome about it and just said 'it could happen to anyone at anytime, even me'

And I have been to many an IEP meeting and they are certainly no picnic...I hated them, but they were important for my son, so I grinned and 'bore' them. (misspelling intended)heehee.

Oh I hope you have a much better week this week.
sending hugs

Kittie Howard said...

Oh, Girl, you've had a really rough go of it. I feel your pain, wish I could crawl though the screen and give you a hug but can't so *sends hugs*. Please know that your parent will think more highly of you for admitting a mistake. The parent knows you are a fair, honest teacher, two virtues h/s wants h/h child to have/re-enforce. So, I think admitting a mistake is a good thing. Bravo for you! About the new system at work...*sighs* it's the way it is these days *sighs again*...just move on...soooo sorry about your friend's SUV. But, accident's happen. Please don't beat up on yourself!!!

About publishing children's books - a bit out of my limited experience...but I did read a blog awhile back ... someone did that...wish I could remember which blog...and Adobe has a function to it where you can do illustrations for free, also design a book's cover. This is all I know, but if I come across anything I'll be sure and let you know. Please don't forget to click over to that blog I mentioned. You might also want to check out Smashwords. Good luck and hugs!

LV said...

Glad you took time out after you vented your frustration to pay me a visit. I like things done right as well, but I am far from a perfectest. The technology is taking us over.

Jen Daiker said...

I'm new to this neck of the woods but I'm already having a great time. It does sound like you've had quite the strenuous time but I do hope that more relaxation is on the way!!!!

I'm stopping in to welcome you to the A-Z Blogging Challenge!!! I'm a co-host so should you need anything I'm here to help!! Feel free to stop by my blog to say hello or join us on Twitter (I'm @jenunedited)!!

Dianne said...

oh boy did you have a week!
it's exhausting and frustrating when all the trials come at once
but think of it this way
you are so efficient that even your mistakes are done in a timely manner

don't be so hard on yourself
hugs

monika said...

nice blog.

Nezzy said...

Sendin' so good vibes you way sweetie!!!

I have to say the thing is miss the least after retirin' from Special Ed. are the IEP's!

God bless ya and have a terrific day! :o)

Rita said...

Wishing you a good week and guess what Spring is around the corner and then Easter!
Rita