Saturday, June 26, 2010


As a teacher, this is an extremely hectic overwhelming STRESSFUL time of year! What’s more, the inundation of tasks that need to be accomplished in teaching in a year round school is compounded when one year ends and eight days later, we inaugurate a brand new school year. Both tasks are complicated in their own right, however when the two are combined, life can be enormously stressful. Have I mentioned how stressful this can be? So suffice it to say, I feel challenged to have a few coherent thoughts at this point in time which makes writing taxing in a way it never has been before. Nonetheless, I’ve been waiting for this moment; Saturday to be precise when I can sit and pen the thoughts continually swirling in my head.

One persistent prevailing thought accompanied me on my walk this morning along with the sweltering heat and drops of sweat beads dangling off my eyelids. I was really quite amused at the idea. With all the global atrocities occurring; the Gulf oil spill, the War in Iraq and Afghanistan, suffering incurred by sickness and disease, poverty, the state of our education systems just to name a few in the headlines of today’s news, my question is this… Does God ever want to make a sweeping motion across the world and declare, ‘DO-OVER?’

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father’s Day!

Throughout my life, Happy and Father are an oxymoron. I’ve never liked Father’s Day; imagine trying to make a choice for a card because it’s an obligatory deed, not really liking your father yet wanting to. Thrust upon us are ideals of the ‘perfect’ father spending quality time with their kid, guiding them through instrumental decisions in their life, ‘Daddy’s little girl’ however, my father was less a positive in my life and more like I’ll never do that to my child. Even the relationship with my step-father and his demonic acts drove me into therapy; I continue to be a cynic of any relationship between a father and a child, including the Heavenly Father. Numerous years have been spent resolving issues with God because of the common affectation; how can any father claim to feel affection for their child and shield from harm, yet damage and obliterate?

So in the present day, I look to that relationship with my father, having re-connected prior to his passing I thrash about the proposal of ‘what would I say if I could talk to him now?’ As the adult I am, I would call him on the phone and wish him a ‘Happy Father’s Day!’ but as a child I might have said, ‘Daddy, do you love me?’ Either sentiment presented will contain a retort of silence, which leaves me nowadays with solitary wonder.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Bidding Farewell~

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”

Upon interpretation of this quote sent by a dear friend, I realized I’ve been spending the last month or so erecting a mental barrier to protect my heart, numbing myself of difficulties to come. As an educator I have been blessed with parent’s precious commodities for a year, or two or perhaps three as a 3-5 resource room teacher supporting children with learning difficulties. As their teacher, I’m privileged to matters of the heart; learning self acceptance and advocacy of their needs, making and maintaining friendships when other children can be malicious to those that are dissimilar in some way. Most of all, I promote perseverance to keep going when life and learning are challenging. Basically, I accept that I permit myself to get emotionally involved with my students; a distinct hazard of the profession, and my reasoning as to why I avoid saying good-bye.

School’s end is looming and in my case with year round schedule my track one kiddoes have already departed. While I know many will return there are a slew of fifth graders whom I adore will move on to middle school and develop those relationships once more. But in the meantime, while I feel honored for having these young ladies and gentlemen in my life and making a difference in theirs, as well, they have diverged upon my heart and left their imprint.

So while I persist in getting through the next twelve days, I will courageously confront that gloom despite the stoutness of those mental walls I’ve made an effort to build; for there is no escape of the sadness felt by bidding farewell but there is victory that I’m sending them on equipped for the way to the next passage.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Happy Anniversary Baby...

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.” by James Earl Jones.

This day, June 10th is our 15th wedding anniversary and upon waking, I glance to his pillow and capture a quick look to Scott’s quiescent face as it ignites in me a reminder that all is well with my world. I attempt to pen the expressions of how deep our love, tenderness, affection, as well as our mutual adoration runs in my heart and soul, but the words escape me. What’s more, we can have an entire conversation with the mere contact of the flesh. Scott is my anchor in an unsure world that bids confidence in me and sureness of my core to venture forward and undertake the world, my world. There is no language of the heart so I will borrow from others.

So for my husband who swept me off my feet and restored my faith in marriage, who taught me that a relationship between and man and a woman does not need to be disparaging and hurtful this quote is for you: "For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”

Happy Anniversary Baby, got you on my mind…

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Is naive a bad word?

Merriam-Webster Dictionary cites the definition of naïve as deficient in worldly wisdom or informed judgment. However, what the dictionary doesn’t talk about are the ramifications of being such which as a parent of ‘soon to be middle schooler’ who is extremely naïve, should this concern me?

As a result of watching the evening Nightly News, Nicholas and I were engaged in a conversation of the Gulf Oil spill and it was incredibly apparent he was troubled by the happenings of the crisis, especially watching the animals undergo such hardship. This is a child who can’t even watch the commercials of abused animals and as a result of that first flash on the screen will race to the remote to turn off the television. His heart is very soft and deeply affected by such tragedies. At any rate, we’re having this exchange of how irresponsible he thinks BP’s response is and clearly struggling to find the word to emphasize his anger. He turns to me and says, “Can I say a bad word?” To which I grant permission. Here I am, preparing myself to hear the word ‘damn’ or ‘shit’ come out of my child’s mouth and he says, “BP is so stupid for not having a plan in place before they started drilling!”

Not only was I proud of Nicholas for truly listening and caring about the world in which he lives, I was taken aback by the fact my son, at eleven still thinks the word ‘stupid’ is a bad word. I had tears in my eyes as I listened to his explanation of the catastrophe, but also wondered and a bit concerned how he would fare in middle school, inundated with cruel, mean children, and peer pressures, new life experiences, temptations, which refer me back to the world ‘naïve’. Yes, Nicholas is naïve but he isn’t deft of worldly wisdom or informed judgment in matters that are most imperative; matters of the heart.

So I ask, is naive a bad word?  I’ll keep you posted of our adventures…

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I Read the News Today; Oh Boy!

Saturday began like all days. I awaken, naturally with the help of Hurricane. How can I not wake up with a 70 pound dog licking my face? So, I creak down the stairs, literally, with my old knees speaking to me with each step as if to say, ‘Geez Louise, take it easy!’ I plunk down on one of the stools at the island with the newspaper spreading the world out in front of me and thank Scott for the coffee he sets in front of me. I hunt for my reading glasses I now need. Why is it they are never where they are supposed to be?
I peruse the headlines and am instantaneously distressed by just one section: Couple Charged with Suffocation of Baby, Trooper Charged with Killing Kitten wants Job Back, Teens Accused of Gang Activity, and Parents Charged with Abuse…I could go on but it literally makes me ill to stomach this type of news. Is this the world that will be our legacy? I thought the purpose of our being is to leave this world an improved place for the generation that comes after?

The headlines were ghastly! I couldn’t even comprehend the content so I skimmed and discovered that the infant suffocated was a mere 5 months old, and the parents charged with abuse; the baby was 7 weeks; oh my, all I can do is offer a quick prayer of ‘thank you’ that those babies are in a better place wrapped in God’s loving arms under His protective care.

The Trooper charged with killing the kitten thinks he was treated unfairly; REALLY? Don’t even get me started on that one and once more, I know God has a very extraordinary place in His Heavens for those creatures He so lovingly created; that consideration provides comfort and quiet to my psyche. Regarding the gang activity; those teens are two years older than my son’s eleven years. Their world is one that may as well be in an obscure part of the planet, but one I recognize exists much closer.

My heart and spirit truly weren’t made for such devastation and ruin; what's more I become conscious that I am immobilized by my powerlessness to transform the world on a larger scale. I agonized, reflected and debated. I mulled it over and have been for days and finally, a morsel of consolation came in the form of an e-mail I receive from a friend: Daily Quote which stated: “There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us.” By Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you, Mr. Emerson that I could be reminiscent of my self-declared purpose in life which is to provide love, joy, understanding and compassion to others as they travel on their personal path, as insignificant as that may appear. Still, this doesn’t by any means diminish the wreckage, but I pray, perhaps it’s a start.