Good Grief....

Gathering after the book signing...
Joan is the lady on my right... (blue sweatshirt, blue jeans)

Blessings, as do friends come in a variety of packages sharing a wealth of gifts that may go unrecognized until the unspeakable occurs. This is precisely what happened this week as a treasured friend suddenly passed away.

Joan and I shared many passions; first and foremost teaching and children, but particularly the child harboring difficult circumstances. We shared the wonderment and significance of dreams and God’s role in our lives. We both felt you could never have enough colored pens and our mutual love of writing was a source of much banter. Our conversations came easy and frequently took us to diverse worlds in a matter of minutes.

Joan displayed her flamboyant personality with dazzling, sparkly tiara’s and boas. She was comical, witty and engaging but always candid and direct—she spoke her heart. Joan encompassed many traits I aspire to embrace.

True to life, the glitzy exterior hid significant life’s struggles which made Joan stronger but nothing more noteworthy than the death of her husband of forty years in Sept., 2008. In Feb., 2011 Joan’s best friend Judy died who was our school librarian, followed by her beloved dog and Lizzy, her classroom pet lizard.

When I was notified of Joan’s unexpected death on Tuesday in my inner being I believed Joan died of a broken heart. Too much loss, too much sadness…

It was through these circumstances I was even more thankful for the occurrence of my book signing in Ohio in November in which I was able to see Joan. She talked of her pride in my accomplishment and spoke of her own interest in publishing a book entitled, ‘Good Grief’. She had a desire to support others through the grieving process with laughter and joy.

I wish she would have gotten around to writing this book as many of us might benefit from it right now. Her friends will gather in Ohio today to celebrate her life, and it was truly one worth celebrating. Although I will only be there in spirit I know Joan entered Heaven’s gates uniting with Judy and Doug with her ostentatious gaudiness of Mardi gras beads around her neck and a crown of glory exclaiming, ‘Dear God, let the party begin!’

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die. "
Thomas Campbell

Alive in the Moment...

Sylvia Hall

"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

By Thich Nhat Hanh 

My grandmother, Sylvia Hall-Hepler born October 14, 1901 -the anchor of our family is within me. She resides in the resilience and unassuming strength that drives my personal human spirit beyond life’s early stumbling blocks.

Sylvia standing (on right) with her siblings

As I delve deeply into the six acquired crates (read here) of old photos, letters and newspaper clippings that document people and events in my family linking back to my great-great grandmother I’m faced with an altered interpretation of family ties.  The attainment of these commemorations has taken me down memory lane; in addition, it has invariably linked points of information and answered questions although presenting other enquiries.

I’d like to begin with an apology to my grandmother. You see, in past conversations about obtaining my teaching and master’s degree, I proclaimed to all I spoke with that I was the first in my family to go to college; it turns out that is not exactly true.



Grandma's graduation announcement (click to enlarge)

On June 13, 1918 my grandmother graduated from Tiffin High School. In viewing her past report cards she excelled in spelling and literature; so I must come by my love of reading and writing naturally which makes me proud! Grandma didn’t do so well in U.S. History, Chemistry or Math. Hah! I guess I am her granddaughter; those are the subjects I could truly do without and never made the best of grades in those areas.

Her 9th-12th grade report cards (click to enlarge)

It seems when my alma mater, Bowling Green State University was founded in 1914 it began as Bowling Green State Normal College. Tuition was free in those early years and the college offered a 1-year short course for rural teachers which my grandmother was a part. A letter dated Aug. 24, 1920 to her uncle my grandma wrote of the courses she was taking and was soon to leave the rigors of the university to teach in Rockaway, Ohio.

School of children in front of the one room school house in Rockaway, Ohio.

To my sister Dawn and me, both ended up in teaching, the passing of the torch was without fanfare although nostalgia embraces tight the early conception.

Grandma was a tough durable woman who holds my heart at the core of her being. She remains in my nucleus as she whispers endorsements through similar likes, dislikes as well as choice of vocation. I clutch this melancholy softly keeping her alive within the palm of my hand.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family."

by Anthony Brandt

Keeper of the Memories...

I have a memory room.

No, it’s not the space in my head where each remembrance is filed away under categories titled brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews or friends and occasions.

Rather it is the modest area in our bonus room where I construct and create the stories of my family’s years since the birth of Nicholas. I feel it’s vital for him to have recollections of the persons who are intricately woven through the cloth of life.

However, since arriving home from Ohio where I inherited six crates of aged slides, photographs and newspaper articles that belonged to my Grandmother, at present I am the keeper of memories. I take this responsibility seriously-as did my Grandma. 

Grandma was born in 1900 and it was a rare occurrence to witness her without a camera, presumably an old Kodak would be my guess. Every family happening and episode was chronicled through photos and slides and now each is in my possession.

Although Grandma died in 1986 leaving behind a bitter divisive family –consequences of greed and selfishness; the multitude of snapshots account for every person in my childhood devoid of experiences of divorce, death, or disconnect.

Therefore I am immersed in my past which belies a surplus of sentiments-many blogs in the making I presume. It commenced with a drive by of the farmhouse in December where my Grandparents settled and stumbled upon much of my upbringing as it was the hideaway from the cruel part of my early days.

the farm house on Hepler Road

the side of the house

For those moments I breathed the fragrance of the hay and envisioned soaring down the hill on a sled with my siblings landing in the icy chilly creek below. I surveyed the patch under the buckeye trees where my cousins and I could acquire 25 cents a grocery bag for the nuts. I inspected the porches where the dogs Yippy, Queenie and Rover rested on any given warm summer day.

Entangled in my head are the memories...so if you are looking for me, I'm in my room with an old fashioned slide projector reuniting the people of my past.

 “The things which the child loves remain in the domain of the heart until old age. The most beautiful thing in life is that our souls remaining over the places where we once enjoyed ourselves.”

by Kahlil Gibran

Tiffin Times...

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”

By Paul Boese

As I made the drive from Columbus to Tiffin for the next stop on my book signing for Life through the Eyes of a Hurricane: Doggie-Dog! my insides twirled and twisted with anticipation and apprehension.

Tiffin, Ohio is my place of origin, my growing up location- the space where I learned to walk and talk as well as ride a bike and drive a car. I was cultured to maneuver the back roads shared by tractors and combines and sought comfort in the fragrance of cow manure and the harvest of corn or soy beans. I knew the calm and reassurance of attending a one building school, Hopewell-Loudon therefore I graduated with most folks I shared Kindergarten memories.

On the other hand, it was also the scene of torment and distress throughout childhood and where as an adult I envisioned the face of my abuser/s ‘round every corner. Anxiety and uneasiness were part of every encounter as hyper-vigilance served as armor.

I’ve acknowledged shrill and valiantly; however that forgiveness is a powerful gesture. As a result of those actions toward once despised individuals, I embarked upon this event with affection, acceptance and approval preparing the homecoming proper for a queen.

Paper and Ink was host to the book signing equipped with a reporter from the local newspaper, the Advertiser Tribune. Being surrounded by family, childhood and college friends I possessed a protective covering although unnecessary as I have learned to embrace my past with the awareness it has made me the human being I am today. So I applaud all those people; good, bad or indifferent and extend a hand of thanks since my life is filled with magnificence and joy.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now!”

By Anonymous

A Look Back...

November 30, 2011

...IEP meetings, eligibility accounts, progress reports and day to day teaching has extracted me from my Cloud Nine status I enveloped myself in from my trip to Ohio. However short lived, I certainly captured great pleasure from the experience as well as the people despite its inevitable conclusion.  

Truth be told, when stillness surrounds me, I delight in the memories as a child cherishes Christmas Day-it was truly magical.

Allow me to take you on this enchanting excursion through my book signing in Hilliard, Ohio at New Grounds Coffee Shop…

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love,

the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

...stay tuned for the book signing in Tiffin, Ohio...



Hey, did you miss me?

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

By Unknown~

Hi…did you miss me?

Well, regardless if you did or did not, I’m thankful to broadcast we made a safe return to North Carolina on Sunday after a grand and glorious eight days in Ohio. The moments in time spent with cherished friends and family will be forever etched in my mind as well as engraved in my heart.

The abundant events and gatherings with loved ones will provide rich recollections of laughter, tears, joy and genuine hugs with by no means, a deficiency on ‘I love you’s’; an expression I’m no longer embarrassed to vocalize and did so freely.

I’ve deliberately avoided this blog since I am finding it surprisingly complicated to arrange the various experiences and emotions into orderly definitive categories; no one experience or person rises above another.

However, the sentiment that I can label as being prevalent was the affection and cordial support by all; former students and parents, childhood and high school friends, blog and church camp connections, previous teachers and co-workers and treasured sorority sisters including both my big and little sis as well as those individuals I met along the journey.

How blessed I was to be acknowledged and recognized by these deep attachments in my life as well as my family. The look of pride and pleasure in sharing the momentous occasions of a book signing was beyond any language I possess.

Words and feelings shared during those days, hours, and minutes certainly closed the  absence from these links to my past, but it truly remained clear that what I experienced could only be sensed from within.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."

- Helen Keller

When Worlds Collide...

Planning, Preparing, and Packing…certainly the tasks at hand in organizing the big trip to Ohio. Saturday, November 26 is the noteworthy day and has been etched in my mind as my son has counted down on the calendar. He simply cannot wait to see his best friend Maddy and ‘his other family’ as he affectionately has christened them. Who can fault him for that; I too am wound up with anticipation.

I will be reuniting with family, visiting dear friends and childhood classmates, reconnecting with past students and former colleagues as well as meeting individuals I’ve only acquainted myself with on the computer-and now deem as friends. Countless people I’ve not connected face to face in years; truth be told decades.

In addition, I get to embark upon the pursuit of a dream when I hold book signings in two areas I hold near and dear to my heart; Columbus and Tiffin. How can I view the happenings and not be exhilarated? My eagerness and excitement is beyond words…

However I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t voice my apprehensions of the journey...how can old messages not replay themselves when placing me into aged haunts? What if they don’t like me? What if I’m a disappointment when they meet or see me again? What if I slight someone unmistakably? What if?

In a matter of days, my separated worlds will collide…and I will do my best to bask in the joy and remember the words quoted by Seneca: "There are more things to alarm us than to harm us, and we suffer more often in apprehension than in reality.”

In the meantime, please pray for safe travels tomorrow and upon our return, Sunday, Dec. 4…and let the exuberance commence!

Self-examination...and NO, not a breast examination!

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves -regret for the past and fear of the future.”

By Fulton Oursler

A few months back Nicholas and I were having a conversation which led to his statement: ‘I have all the friends I need!’

Really? I wondered how at twelve years old a person could so confidently express that sentiment because here I am at fifty two (well, almost) and I’m contemplating opening myself up for that proposition. I’m in the process of self-examination. A good thing, right?

Yes, but only if I’m truthful with myself which I plan on being; honest with you and honest with me. If you’ve read my blog long enough you know it is well chronicled within the wall of words that my past has been anything but uncomplicated. However, I don’t chose to hover in that place for prolonged periods; life is too short, but I do believe we can learn from the past and move onward.

People make choices for which the consequences ripple to those lives surrounding us. As a result, I think it’s our responsibility to look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves; what regrets do I have? What would I have done differently? Where do I need to go from here?

I am so excited about traveling to Ohio, beyond that of my book signing appointments. I have an array of people planning to attend from early childhood friends, high school, college as well as work related. Exhilaration is an understatement!

Sadly, I find myself comparing friends I had in Ohio to the ones I have here in North Carolina and I’m slightly embarrassed to declare I have few. I’ve been here for three plus years and the true connections I have are limited to a handful.

Surprised?  ...it is my own doing…I have withdrawn from the prospect of friends – Staff socials/ events; nope, don’t attend. Lunchroom conversations- nada. Informal gatherings or get together invitations? They are shunned as well.

I have become lonely. It is with the anticipation of traveling to Ohio that I’m realizing the valuable strong connections with people I have, the precious friends in my home state. However, my bravado of wanting the people in my life to believe I am fine or I am happy has truly hindered the honesty with self. But then again, that has been my pattern throughout life for fear of rejection.

So it’s an occasion for self assessment, and with this comes a forging ahead with uncertainties but also honoring-I am who I am. I’m not a social butterfly; I am fearful and anxious in big crowds therefore, I prefer small intimate gatherings. I’ve rejected offers since trust was lacking that anyone could truly want my company; what could I possibly offer another individual? I second guess myself and question motives. I know, shame on me, huh?

I will also pass this along to those I’ve shunned with a bit of luck I’ll make amends and allow my vulnerabilities to be visible. What’s more, I’ll also forgive myself for past actions and recall this quote made by an anonymous individual:

“If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them.”

Thanks Pooh for helping me out here...

"Y" is for Youth...

A to Z Challenge:

ABC's of My Life...

Facts of Five….and youth~


If you are a new follower let me give details of Facts of Five. It was a model I used when I taught students with special needs in a self contained classroom. I presented a category such as ‘Five Cartoons’ or ‘Five flavors of Kool-aid’ and the students had to consider an idea that fit the group. It was fun and thought generating yet in the meantime, I was able to get to know what was important to my students.

So our category for today is youth; more specifically, memories from youth. Okay, class, I will begin~

1.) My spiritual upbringing besides being present at church each Sunday sitting in the 6th or 7th pew back on the left side of the sanctuary took place at Camp Mowana; a church camp affiliated with the Lutheran Church outside of Mansfield, Ohio. I attended one week each summer from first grade until I graduated from high school.

2.) Speaking of which, I began Kindergarten and graduated from the same school; Hopewell-Loudon School in Bascom, Ohio. It was and still is a K-12 grade building surrounded by cow pastures and corn fields. We graduated with 63 in our class. I really am a country girl at heart!

3.) I was in 4-H but got kicked out for teasing a girl in our troop. I also got kicked out of Sunday school by our Pastor’s wife who was the teacher. I think I was just a goody-two-shoes kid who wanted to ‘try-out’ what it was like to be a Bad-A--! I didn’t tell my mom I had gotten kicked out until I graduated from college…and obviously, I didn’t like it!

4.) My most embarrassing moment in life occurred when I was a freshman cheerleader. During a time-out we had to ascend a set of six or so stairs to step onto the stage. We were all putting our hands in the air clapping, trying to get the crowd into the game when CRASH! I tripped and fell on my hands and knees. Being stunned, I didn’t know whether to lay there and feign injury or get up and laugh! I did the latter!

5.) Inner qualities I’ve carried with me from my youth is I’m practical, sensitive to criticism, creative and an observer. Traits I’ve outgrown are clinging to people in my life, negative thoughts about me and my strong need to stay angry.

“In youth we learn; in age we understand.”

Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

"F" is for Flowers...

A to Z Challenge~

ABC's of My Life...

Fragrant, Favorite Flowers…

“Earth laughs in flowers."
By Ralph Waldo Emerson

My mantra when Ohio was the placed we called home is that you can never have too many flowers. Shown here are photos of a variety of flowers that were in my immense gardens. I loved tending to and nurturing my magnificent outdoor splendor.

Unfortunately, in North Carolina these beauties are mere memories as the heat and drought tend to overtake the exquisite flora.

See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...we need silence to be able to touch souls.”

By Mother Teresa

a special thank you...

This break of day truly brought a serendipitous moment to my world by virtue of a snow day! Yes, my friends, all the prayers and positive thoughts encircling me yesterday have been attended to; we have a rare day off school as a result of a wintry mixture Mother Nature provided.


The theme of the past couple of days has been the impending stress from a multitude of reasons; IEP’s, eligibility reports, lesson plans, meetings and progress reports…then there’s the holiday stress, the book that needs to get to the publisher; need I go on?

Growing up in northwest Ohio snow days were somewhat plentiful but nonetheless, a delight! Those blustery icy days offered spontaneous minutes of NO plans, NO ‘have-to’s’ and the gift of time to fill the hours with activities of my own choosing.

All too often, a jigsaw puzzle adorned our kitchen table and all passers-by were lured to fill in a piece or two, or resisting the temptation to plop themselves down and work on it. When the puzzle no longer held our interest we bundled up to venture outside to investigate the engaging landscape that resulted from the winds and delicate flakes. We trudged to the river to lace on our skates for daring acts of bravery conducted by innocence and child-hood enchantment!

Today set in motion that child-hood magic-an infrequent gift of time to soften the stress within, to breathe a bit lighter and take on choice events which will undoubtedly consist of working on my book and yes, putting in piece, or two of the puzzle gracing the dining room table.

Thank you God!