Sunday, July 18, 2010

Safely Wrapped in a Cocoon?

"Forgiveness is God's invention for coming to terms with a world in which, despite their best intentions, people are unfair to each other and hurt each other deeply.”-Lewis B. Smedes

Six Fridays ago I had an encounter with a colleague that equivocated to verbal rape complete with a finger in my face for emphasis; it shook me to my very core, every cell of my being. If the disparage wasn’t bad enough, she carried out this act in front of my team and my principal. I can finally outwardly admit my humility and embarrassment, as well as the deep jolt it has had on my ‘person.’ The accusations ignited the formation of a thick cocoon to protect ‘me’ against additional damage as I developed a distrust of myself and a suspicion in the integrity of others regarding their opinion of me…could I trust what they were saying to me or their belief in me? I withdrew from those I trust and life as I knew it: I stopped exercising, caring about my work, interacting with others and I discontinued writing. I became a distant observer in life; even on my sacred beach vacation I was hesitant to allow myself to feel the true joy and peace within the moments.

My natural personality is to believe in the goodness of others, therefore this deprecation resulted in skepticism of people mainly those whom I call friends within my work circle. Like it or not, I care about what people think of me and desire their respect mostly in the realm of my occupation. I’ve always thought of myself as an exceptional teacher but that was wiped away with ‘words’ so it was agonizing to begin a new year on wobbly ground. I felt vulnerable and fragile.

While I can’t declare healing by any means, nor publicly vow forgiveness I know that will be necessary to move forward within my world. I also know forgiveness doesn’t equal forgetting and there will no doubt be cautiousness in my escape once the cocoon has been shed. I’ve instigated the process by writing and sharing both my thoughts and feelings with words so they can be dispensed into the wind. But I’m not omnipotent to affirm ending results, just that I will move forward armed with a protective sheath. I resolve to hover with wounded wings and welcome eventual flight without faltering.


Lisa said...

Your blog is your healing place so I hesitate to comment but you have a choice. You can bide your time being the best teacher you can be, keeping your eye on the prize (that we are here for our students)and your actions will prove them wrong. Your principal will see. Or you can see it as a call to action. Who the hell does this person think he/she is? I'll tell you - a bully and they are just as prevelant this side of the desk as the school yard playground. If you choose to, you can confront them directly ("We teach school, we're not in school and I really resent what you said ... and I will not tolerate it.") or talk to your principal privately or write a letter (discretely or not). Whatever you choose, my bet is that they feel threatened by you and they have already dug their own grave. We all know those type of people and most can see right through them.
I know you know all of this but it doesn't hurt to hear it again. Don't allow people like that to hurt you - I know, easier said than done but that's how I get through HSHS. Know who you can trust, and who you can't - now you know one you can't.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. *Big hug*

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but love your writing. I have experienced something very similar to this myself in early April with a very good friend. I hurt. I'm confused by the actions of others in time of anger. I have my guard up all the time now not knowing who is really my friend and have kept to myself since this event. I thought I was the only one who was in the situation. I thought I was the only one who looks for goodness in people. And I'm having a hard time moving forward. There has been no resolution. No communication. Your writing expressed all the same questions and feelings I'm going through myself. Well written. Well done. With that being said, I hope you accomplish publishing a book as mentioned on your bucket list. I will surely purchase it.

From one hurt person to another...hange in there "us"...we'll be ok.

randismom2 said...

Although I know this is an old post, I am saddened to here that somebody who has always greeted me/us with a smile has had such sadness behind that smile. Although I understand your anger (I, too, have a hard time letting go...most times)please know that one person does not speak for everybody. We all think that you are a wonderful person/teacher/friend. :-)