Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"D" is for Dad~

A to Z Challenge...
ABC's of My Life~



Throughout my life, Happy and Father are an oxymoron. I’ve never liked Father’s Day; imagine trying to make a choice for a card because it’s an obligatory deed, not really liking your father yet wanting to. Thrust upon us are ideals of the ‘perfect’ father spending quality time with their kid, guiding them through instrumental decisions in their life, ‘Daddy’s little girl’ however, my father was less a positive in my life and more like I’ll never do that to my child. Even the relationship with my step-father and his demonic acts drove me into therapy; I continue to be a cynic of any relationship between a father and a child, including the Heavenly Father. Numerous years have been spent resolving issues with God because of the common affectation; how can any father claim to feel affection for their child and shield from harm, yet damage and obliterate?



So in the present day, I look to that relationship with my father, having re-connected prior to his passing I thrash about the proposal of ‘what would I say if I could talk to him now?’ As the adult I am, I would call him on the phone and wish him a ‘Happy Father’s Day!’ but as a child I might have said, ‘Daddy, do you love me?’ Either sentiment presented will contain a retort of silence, which leaves me nowadays with solitary wonder.

31 comments:

Siv Maria said...

I never met my birth father and the one I called Dad was a big dissapointment.

Bish Denham said...

I'm sorry your relationship with your dad was an unhappy one. But good, healthy, happy relationships do exist. My sister and I had a dad who loved us, treated us with respect and who helped teach us how to be independent women. He's been gone over 20 years and I still miss him.

Donnie said...

My father died while my mother was pregnant with me. My older brother and I had a rather confusing childhood and neither of us remember much. I have been blessed to have a wonderful husband and my sons have a true father. I am thankful.

Out on the prairie said...

Often when asked what my best job was I say Dad. My father is a part of me everyday,I act just like him, and often reason problems the same.He has been gone over 15 years, but i still have dreams that involve him.It would be rough to lose a parent, through divorce or death, since they are suppose to be a big part of our lives.I lost my wife and became father and mother for my kids, and it was a unique experience to bear by myself.

Arkansas Patti said...

The father/daughter relationship can be such a wonderful time, I am so very sorry yours wasn't. What a bitter disappointment to overcome.
My Daddy had a lot of faults, alcoholism one of them, con man another, but I couldn't have asked for a sweeter, kinder, gentler,more brilliant father that I adored and looked up to till the year before he finally quit drinking. His final year of drinking, I didn't even like the guy. Fortunately, he did quit and his last 8 years were all a daughter could want.
I hope your husband is the father to your son that you missed.

Old Kitty said...

Oh wow. This is so personal and so poignant. I'm truly sorry your dad and step dad were traumatic for you - what a shame! I'm truly sorry. But I love that you're getting to terms with what they mean, what they meant to you. Big big hugs!!!

It's weird because my fraught parental relationship is with my mum. My dad was so easy going and was the world to me. My mum. Well. LOL!

Thanks for sharing and take care
x

Jeanie said...

This is a very honest and thoughtful post and it touched me in a tender spot. My father (and my mother) died when I was 18. We had not had a bad relationship, but we had not had a close one either. There are so many things I wish I could have tried to resolve with him as an adult.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I hope your children are able to have a great father figure in their lives.

this was a great post....as always.

From the Kitchen said...

I'm a little overwhelmed with thoughts right now. There are so many tales such as yours out there. My sisters and I had a great dad and my sons have a great dad. I am grateful.

Best,
Bonnie

Tammy@Simple Southern Happiness said...

No greater love for us is that of our heavenly father GOD, after all he sent Jesus to die for us. Give him your life and see if he does not ease your mind. I lived in fear of my earthly father, he treated us like his men under him in the military. No affection, just sternness when he was home on leave. I seldom saw my father till he retired and by that time I was 18. We had nothing to say to each other. But I was there for them, doing and showing I still cared. After knowing more about him and what he lived through I saw him in a different light. God revealed to me all that my earthly father went through for me. His last few years on this earth I was able to connect with him a bit closer. I was able to tell him I loved him and that was only after the heavenly father revealed his love for me. I only pray I will one day hear my father call me by his pet name he had for me.

Keeping you in my prayers.

texwisgirl said...

When I saw the title and old photo, I thought this was going to be one of those huggy, feely posts honoring a wonderful man. How open and honest are you to make it not so.

I had a not-so-close relationship with my father too. When he wasn't drinking, he was extremely quiet - present but not involved. When he was drinking, he was loud, obnoxious, sometimes frightening, and I usually went to my room as soon as meals were over... There wasn't much affection shared between father and children in our household (and even my mother was not the huggy, touchy soul).

Thanks for being honest. Certainly brought up a lot of unresolved angst in my own heart today...

Nancy said...

Tracy, it shows much courage to write this. I'm sure it helps you to try and understand and come to terms with the relationship you had with your father.

Some men should not be fathers - they don't have that gene, for some reason. My first husband is that man. I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I hope you are able to put this time of your life in perspective and move on. :)

Jennee said...

It's amazing how our relationships with our fathers..or lack of...shape us. I have several daddy issues that I blame him for in my lack of being able to have relationships or trust men...but I try to remember that my dad did his best and thought what he was doing was right. Still, scars run deep.
I'm sorry about your feelings towards your father but as long as you turned out ok...then all is good?!?!? right?!?!?

Julie Harward said...

It breaks my heart that you had this kind of a man for a dad. One day, he will get on his knees to beg for you to forgive him. I can tell you this, our Heavenly Father will right every wrong and that he loves you beyond what we even know is love. Sending you a BIG hug. :D

Wanda's Wings said...

I can relate too much to this post. My father left by my first birthday never to be seen again. Then my step father molested me for several years. This has affected my life greatly, even in the spiritual matters. I sorry you dad was not there for you. Sending hugs your way.

Canyon Girl said...

I'm so sorry that your dad wasn't there for you. My father was not a bad man and he never did any harm to me deliberately. It was just the way he was that didn't work with the way I was, if that makes any sense. I think he had a lot to do with me leaving Sweden so young. I was in therapy in the years following his death, and I was finally able to forgive him. That was one of the most important things I have done in my life. I could then let him go and at the same time let myself love him for what was good in him.--Inger

Myne Whitman said...

I'm sorry your father was not there for you. I have and continue to have a great relationship, and no day passes that I do not thank God for him.

Ginny said...

How very sad. Too bad he never knew what he was missing. My experience now with the children around us; they are all daddies girls and just love it. I can see how your non-relationship with your dad would color and affect your whole life, but there are many wonderful dads out there, I know two of them personally. I grew up without a father at all, and always wanted one. And you might wish that you had none rather than the one you did. You managed to become a wonderful person in spite of this and rise above it though.

Hart Johnson said...

This is really powerful stuff to have to work through. My own father's biggest sin was never growing up or taking responsibility, but when he had time to PLAY, he was the best. He died early and I debate the drinking and self-destruction of him... had to work through the sorry fact my life probably turned out better for losing him early, if for superficial reasons, but that is nothing compared to the stuff you are sorting. I'm glad you made a sort of peace before he dies, because whether he deserved it or not, I think you will reach a time you are glad you did your best.

Jules said...

I knew you were going to take my breath away and I came anyway. That my friend is raw emotional writing at its best. You are definitely my hero now.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Linda Myers said...

I wasn't close to my dad, but he was a good man who did the best he could. He died at 57 of emphysema and cirrhosis. Until two years ago my greatest regret was that I left him one night in the hospital and he died alone. Then, when my mother was dying and I was right there with her even though she and I had a very difficult relation, I could feel my dad's presence in the room, and he was proud of me. So maybe he was the person who taught me the value of doing the right thing.

Lin said...

My father died when I was 7 years old, so I don't really remember having a dad. I dreaded Father's Day because I was the only kid who didn't have a dad back in those days. That said, there were lots of really good dads in our family, thank goodness!

maggie's garden said...

What insight in your comment and your post. I'm sorry your relationship was difficult. Mine was difficult as well, and like you I realized that my dad taught me independence by his actions...and if I hadn't had that independence I'm not sure I'd have made it with three small kids after my hubby died. I'm so very grateful to have had that independence in my life...but it took me 56 years to understand that. I'm 59 now so it was only 3 yrs ago that it finally made sense and I could make peace with it. Life sure is full of surprises...bless you.

Munir said...

I got s lot of inspiration to do good form my Dad. He is still my guide becuase I always wonder what would he have said on a given occasion if he was alive. I get the answers based on how much I knew him. A very nice post.

Mamma has spoken said...

Your post made me realize how much I love my dad. Yes he could and was a hard ass to us kids with my mom being the buffer between us. But he did show his love to us many ways and even today he's a great and loving dad.

Pam Torres said...

Your post has reminded me about the hidden place that all my thoughts on father abide. Deep down waiting to come out in bits and pieces as I try and reconcile them with my life. This kernel waiting to pop is wrapped up with religious dogma and memories of marginalization in a patriarchal world. Periodically I pull it out and take a look but right now I'm still too tender for much introspection, in time I'm sure it will finally come out into the light. Thanks! Great blog!

Daisy said...

Tracy, I would imagine this was a difficult post for you to write. I'm sorry your relationship wasn't what it could have and should have been with either your Dad or your Stepdad.

I feel very blessed and lucky to have had a Dad whom I always felt loved by.

Hugs to you.

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Hi Tracy, I was a Daddy's Girl ---and was the Apple of his EYES.... Being the only girl (I had 2 brothers), I just had Daddy wrapped around my finger... He was so special. Unfortunately, he died in 1969 ---so I didn't have him nearly long enough.
Hugs,
Betsy

Out of My Mind said...

Tracy. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. However, we all have someone in our lives who have hurt us tremendously. If we can not find a way to forgive them we are only hurting ourselves.

No one starts life saying I want to be a terrible dad, or mother, or sister etc. Something happens along the way that turns some of us into just that. Maybe they were abused or whatever...you get my drift. My husband was a terrible father and I left him. He was a terrible father because his even more terrible father drummed this kind of behavior into him. He had no more ability to change after years of brainwashing then a leopard can change his spots. kt

Rita said...

We all seem to have different memories fo our dad. I come from a very different generation when fathers never talked very much, so I often wonder about that now that I see my sons playing with their chidren.
Rita

KathyA said...

I'm so sorry that you had this horrible void in your life. My dad was a remarkable man and of all that I knew -- I always no that no child was loved greater than I.