Friday, May 27, 2011

Life-Altering Events~

After posing the question to you yesterday, I found it necessary to step back and present the query to myself; it is only fair you know.

Once I read all your responses/comments I could concur with each and every one; graduating college as well as packing my belongings and moving out of state-the only one in our family to leave the small town of Tiffin, Ohio.

I wondered if it was the presence of an alcoholic father and the domestic violence I witnessed, or was it the divorce of my parents? Perhaps the sexual abuse from my step-father, or the abusive relationships of my own? Someone might point to being raped as a life-altering event in my life, the foiled suicide attempts, the years of enduring anorexia and bulimia? Each happening would seem significant in its own right, but it isn’t any one of those events since those were merely my way of life for so long, it’s what the vision on my life came to be.

In addition, I had become accustomed to being disappointed by people in my life-the family of aunts, uncles and cousins who after my grandmother died with an abundance of money cut off my mother as a result of hate and jealousy, therefore I have no extended family. The pangs of envy grab hold each time a friend or colleagues talk of gatherings or family reunions-I have nothing more to offer in this realm.

So now you know why this was such a dilemma for me but before you feel sad and sorry for me, because there’s no need to--I decided that truly the most significant life-altering event was the decision to have our child, Nicholas.

After the ‘I do’s were announced we waivered on the decision for ten years which was why the love of our life, Nicholas was born seven months before I turned forty. But you see, up until that pronouncement was declared, I was on my path to self-destruction with the anorexia, bulimia and the desire to end a life; my own. I was filled with such self-hatred and loathing that I wouldn’t have given that life to any baby-particularly my own.

However, it was upon that day, that moment that second that I declared myself valuable enough to give up all the detestation and revulsion for the love of a child-our child who had not even been conceived. Once that skin of disgust was shed the focus became being the absolute best person I could become to be a loving mother to my child.

Therefore, you are so right, sometimes life-altering moments aren’t the winning of American Idol or even the lottery; significant events can be a transformation in attitude.

"Life gives us brief moments with another...
but sometimes in those brief moment
we get memories that last a life time...”


Fuzzy Tales said...

That's a wonderful, open-hearted, life-affirming and transforming post, Tracy.

I know that a lot of good has come from my own personal struggles...Probably the #1 thing is that I have a really good relationship with my dad now, which only came about a handful of years ago, as he mellowed and finally grew up, and I had a spontaneous "aha" forgiveness moment. A moment of grace. And I know that would not have come about if I still had been with the ex. So that's been a huge gift for me. So have the fur kids -- though they also have been my greatest stress and deepest sorrow.

Peace and Blessings.


Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Tracy I would guess that just writing this post was a major step in its self. No wonder we connnected so fast as friends we have a lot in common with our child hood.
I admire you so much pulling your self up and changing your life the way you have and waiting to have your beautiful family.
I was reading your other post and I am sure that I am the only person in the world that never heard of Scotty...hahaha...You can tell I almost never have the TV on.
We need to put your book on my sidebar so we can hurry and sell all of them. hahaha
Can you tell I can't wait to receive my copy
Love ya

Jules said...

With the dawn came the light and what a beautiful attitude adjuster he is!! My dear friend you so give me hope and smiles. Wishing you a wonderful holiday weekend.

And I hope this goes through the comment problem finally has made it to KY.
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

KathyA said...

Yes, children do, indeed change our lives and are symbols that we have hope for the future.

But Tracy, with all you've gone through, you had to have had a solid core of strength long before Nicholas came into your lives.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea.
Yes the moment or the event that changes us does not have to be a glamourous time on the outside. You decided that you are more valuable than you ever thought you would be and that moment brought not only changes in you but treasures that you would have overlooked if you did not value yourself. I have notised also that sometimes extended families could be caustic in nature. Our country people also sometimes forget that they had hard times and once they made the money you can make in America, they act as if every one else is a pauper. I am oh too familiar. Best thing is self reliance. Once I realized that I don't feel that I need approval from any one else. This is Munir from Focus.

texwisgirl said...

very powerful post today, dearheart. God bless you and the child who made you see how beautiful you are. :)

Teresa Evangeline said...

Tracy, you are one of the bravest and most loving people I have met, although never in person. Who you are comes through loud and clear. What a Light you are!

no spring chicken said...

How beautiful that you were able to shed that skin. Nicholas is gorgeous and his happy smile attests to a job well done mom!

Blessings, Debbie

Hawk aka BrownDog said...

Hi Y'all,

The fingerprints, the touch of God and He gives us but this one moment in time. Live it fully.

BrownDog's Human

Anonymous said...

To be honest I couldn't believe you ever had any problems. Your present life sounds so nice, except for writing those IEP's.Someone said all the good in someone's life eventually drowns all the bad.I always hope for the best for all I know and have met.You are a good friend to know.


Brian said...

Yep, life is what we make it, not what someone else makes for us. Have a great weekend!

Kay Dennison said...

Are we sisters? My background is similar and I feel your pain and applaud your strength. Take care and know that you're not alone.

Jeanie said...

You show strength in so many ways in this post, Tracy. I think you are so right that whatever else life has given us, there is no more life-altering event than becoming a parent. There was a time when I would have thought that nothing could be more life-altering than the deaths of my parents when I was 18, but becoming a mother was indeed a transformation.

From the Kitchen said...

I'm so glad you made the decision to embrace life with the coming of your precious son! And, I'm sure you are a stronger person for all that you've been through. I cannot imagine how terrible it must be to have no extended family. They are the treasures of my life and I will be even more thankful for them. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I look forward to enjoying the wonderfulness of your life in the future.


Kari in WeHo said...

What an open an honest post (and I can't help but love the Ohio State stuff in the photo :))


Betsy from Tennessee said...

Isn't it ironic that the most life-altering moments in both of our lives became the time which we CHOSE and took the attitude to BE HAPPY. AND--we both found that happiness through LOVE.

I am sorry for ALL that you went through. My situation was NOTHING like yours. Yours was much worse. BUT--you did choose to make the necessary changes in your life to find happiness --and give that precious child a chance for the type of life which you should have had. God Bless You, my Friend... Thanks for sharing.

Hugs and Much Love,

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

It is the part of my life, that has been life changing. It is becoming a parent! Beautiful post!

Ginny said...

You are so brave and have such strength! Many are afraid to speak of this, but I believe only then can we be free. You can see that you are surrounded by love from everywhere. You are a beautiful and valuable person, though you were not made to feel that way. No child or young person should ever have to go through this. But God is an amazing healer and has brought you to the other side, I think you will be able to help others in a wonderful way. Many blessings to you, my friend.

Shelia said...

This is a powerful post and I admire you that you could tell us all of this. I pray this will help someone as well as yourself.
I'm so glad I could help you back up your blog!
Be a sweetie,
Shelia :)

Joanna said...

Oh my goodness, what a post. There is so much sadness, hope and love here. You have been through such a lot and have triumphed through the love of your family, which is amazing.

I haven't dropped by your blog for a while and I've got a bit of catching up to do, Tracy.

Take care,


Old Kitty said...

You're a true survivor and an amazing woman! I'm so glad you are now blessed with a beautiful and wonderful family!! Yay for you! Take care

Arkansas Patti said...

Wow, child, any one of those would have taken a lesser person down. I am so impressed at the journey you have taken and the destination you have reached inspite of the trip. Kudos.

Donnie said...

There were similar events in my early life that made my self esteem so nonexistent but then God gives you children and they help you see how truly important you are to them and then the grandchildren come and you can enjoy all that you have truly been blessed with. Luckily for me I have very few memories growing up and I feel my life began 45 years ago when I met and married Don. Take care my friend.

Linda Reeder said...

Wow. You've come a long way, and through a lot! Beautiful post!

Catherine said...

It is amazing what a child can do to our lives and what we will do for our child. Truly they are a gift and we are fortunate to have them.

It sounds like you have been through so much Tracy but yet have found your way. I am sure there is always those daily struggles but keeping your life focused on your little family lights the way!

Sending you extra big hugs today Tracy!
xo Catherine

Daisy said...

Well-written post, Tracy. It is so true that becoming a mother changes the whole way you view the world. I know that was true for me.

Pondside said...

I love that the life-altering/transformational event in your life was the result of a conscious decision, and came out of new life.
Great post - you keep it real, and it sounds like your are quite grounded - the past is the past, and it molds us, but we can choose to be transformed as you have been. What strength of character - what love for life.

Susan Fields said...

Wow - what a powerful post. It says so much about you that you were able to move past the traumatic experiences in your past and devote yourself to loving and nurturing your wonderful little boy - you are an inspiration!

Talli Roland said...

I missed your post yesterday, but this one is so uplifting and I'm amazed how strong you are.

June said...

Here is proof that the greatest happiness can grow out of the worst experiences. Eventually.
A painful, horrible young life creates all kinds of self-destructive coping strategies, and it seems as if the self-destruction will go on forever.
And then it stops. Thank God.

"But Love has pitched his mansion in
The place of excrement;
For nothing can be sole or whole
That has not been rent."

~from CRAZY JANE TALKS WITH THE BISHOP by William Butler Yeats

Corine said...

Tracy - I love you! And it blows me away to think what you have been through! I am proud of you for not making those tough moments the ones that most affected you and who you allowed yourself to become. You are a beautiful person. You deserve your beautiful husband and son and I am so happy for you. Please go to my blog and ask yourself the question, "Who Am I?" I LOVE who you are, Tracy! THANK YOU for inspiring us all with the example of getting through tough times and making yourself beautiful! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL INSPIRATION! Thank you! Thank you! :D
Your friend, Corine :D

Corine said...

PS. Parents "kind and dear" are not always biological... they aren't always called "parents" and don't always come at birth; but God gives them to us all. :) In one way or another, when the time is right for us... I know He does! :)

Lin said...

Dang, pally, you've been through a lot. Sheesh. I think you've had lots of transformations--both good and bad. I hope you are in a good place now--made stronger by your past and your decision to move past all that crap.