Thursday, May 27, 2010

My A-HA Moment...

I ought to make a confession which probably isn’t much of a surprise to some of you…I am an emotional eater! Did you hear me?

I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!!! There, I said it and it is out in the open! I believe I have run the gambit throughout my life of every type of eating disorder known to man OR woman. Anorexia, Bulimia, Bulimarexia, Compulsive overeating; let’s see, did I forget anything? Oh yeah, Restricted eating. Basic bottom line, I am addicted to food. I eat when I’m euphoric, and when I need to celebrate, I consume food when I am bored, anxious, sad, uneasy and nervous. When I am unsure of myself and scared, I exercise compulsively and decrease my calories. After a quarter of a century of treatment, I persist in losing and gaining the same 20 pounds repeatedly. I speak this because the last 5-6 months I have been tip-toeing on the fringe of disordered eating.

At this point in my life, since I said I would be totally honest in my writing, I actually had an A-HA moment just the other day. I truly surprised myself as I take pride in being very astute and perceptive regarding my thoughts and feelings but I totally missed the boat on this one. In November I turned 50 years old…YES, 50 and so like all people who are considered ‘over the hill’ it was necessary to get blood drawn and a complete work-up done. Accordingly, I naively went to have that prepared, without a care in the world, since I AM a healthy individual who exercised. I eat well, okay, most times I eat well given that I do love a gooey, crunchy, chocolaty dessert, and the candy I have a tendency to eat, and ice cream, well I was born with Dairy Queen in my bottle I’m sure. I was absolutely stunned AND appalled by the results: Vitamin D deficient, my thyroid is not effective and my cholesterol, can you believe, it was 289! I was convinced I was going to stroke out prior to the weekend being over. So, after meeting with my nurse practitioner and devising a plan I was to go back and have my blood drained and retested, which I did and well, it was 310! Really? UGH!

My A-HA moment came as I was briskly walking early one morning, which I had stopped because I was instructed to rest to ease newly acquired foot problems and knee problems and had to get orthotics for my shoes to correct this problem, blah, blah, blah… In a split second, the chicken and the egg scenario was roosting through my cranium. The twenty pound weight gain; was it because I had stopped walking, or was it because of the inactive thyroid, or was I stressed out and depressed on the subject of all the above and eating to counteract all of the maladies that had transpired since I turned the BIG 5-0?! Which came first? Regardless, I was using every medical malady to justify my poor eating.

The moment of clarity escorted me to the strong feelings of NOT liking this body I am lugging around; it is not comfortable, my clothes don’t fit well and I’m very self-conscious so as a result, I am taking back control of my life…Regardless of the ‘whys’, it is my job to take care of myself; not only for myself, but for Scott and Nicholas. I love the person I am inside and while I am not obsessed with thinness, I do want to be healthy and I’m not feeling that these days. So today, I TAKE CONTROL! I’m not going to wait until the thyroid is fixed or until my cholesterol goes down or until my feet stop hurting. I am going to eat healthy and cast away the wayward eating, and I’m going to exercise and be damned with waiting for my knees to get better.



Lisa said...

You go, Girl! I, too, was once anorexic. It is totally about control and not the eating or not eating. At least that's how it was for me. I had so little control over my life that was the only thing I could control. It was never about being thin for me. My weight problems now are different, but still about control. I have been so close to death so many times - hit by a drunk driver, surgery screw ups, high-risk pregnancies, etc., that I don't care anymore. I'm living my life and I will be in control of my destiny. Life is too freakin' short. I'm honestly surprised I've lasted this long. In the meantime, I'm living life to the fullest and when the time comes, I'll do it my way (Frank Sinatra singing in my head), with my one vice, a Coca Cola, in my hand. Pretty hedonistic, huh? (Ok, I admit, I do worry a little about diabetes)

boomchicks1 said...

Wow! I am so very proud of you!!! I know the struggles and demons you have been fighting for such a very long time....and I KNOW you have the capabilities to take control of your own wouldn't be where you are today if you didn't have control....right?!!!! Everything does happen for a reason and I believe that more than ever now....if there is any way that I can support you you better believe that I will be by your side all the way!!! As you know, I too struggle with my own lifelong demons and because of your friendship and many others, I am feeling strong enough to take on those demons and face them head on....WE are survivors my dear dear friend!! Thanks for your willingness to share your "Thoughtful Spot" for all of us to be enlightened by!!!! I love you!