I don’t like change.
I feel very comfortable and content with the status quo. With the end of a school year approaching within twelve short days and the beginning of the year well within reach, I tend to get distracted and unfocused. Typically the repercussion of my distractibility tends to come out via mindless eating and bounding between activity to activity with modest steps forward in any productive direction.
Change brings forth my insecurities in the world around me that separates my heart from my head. I ‘know’ all is well. I ‘know’ I am loved. I ‘know’ I am strong. I ‘know' I am capable, however anticipated altering of my surroundings detach me from what I know transcending me to what I feel.
I feel insecure, I feel vulnerable and I feel anxious. I experience self-doubt and question my capabilities as a wife, a mother, a friend and a teacher; Does my husband still love me? Does my friend’s silence indicate distress by what I’ve said or not said? Did I balance time between my writing and my son?
I linger within this mind-set as a hummingbird hovers around nectar. Suddenly I tire of the conflict between the mind and the heart which necessitates a firm retort, accompanied by gentle clemency to allow myself to be fully human.
I remain still and allow the perfectionist qualities to release their strong hold on my existence. I breathe deep and recite the Serenity Prayer while slowly discharging unconstructive beliefs that cling like barnacles to the harbors of my mind.
“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”