Wednesday, August 25, 2010

On this day, God wants you to know....

... that it's okay to ask for help. Sometimes we get overwhelmed with the details and complexities of our lives. Sometimes we need some help to get untangled, to gain a new perspective. Ask for help. Help may come in human or divine form. It may be seen or unseen. Ask, and ye shall receive.

This feature is one I can access on a daily basis on Facebook, although I don’t, just when I’m bored enough or curious as to what God would say to me if I felt so inclined. This morning was one of those occasions when I was curious and this message appeared. Ummm… was my response because if you know anything about me it’s that I take a great deal of pride in my independence. I rarely ask for help, and once in a blue moon if ever, do I allow others to catch a glimpse of the times I am overwhelmed with details and complexities of my life. This blog has been helpful in that area to which I agreed to include unvoiced thoughts, feelings and truths. I am attempting to open up my heart, to allow others the deepest parts to be searched, known and heard. Knowingly, this takes a great deal of trust, I realize; something I’ve never been very good at in this life of mine.

Therefore, I must say publicly that the beginning of this school year has been anything but good. In fact, it has been downright miserable which I attribute a great deal of it to the significant event that took place back in June before last school year ended (see post: Safely Wrapped in a Cocoon?) As much as I’ve tried to deal with this happening, it’s still lingering in my thoughts and every cell of my being. I no longer feel safe in my environment and find myself second guessing my every move and what’s more, the motive of each person. I thought I’d cast aside those feelings and beliefs, so surprise me when they are there just as prevalent as when it happened.

In fact, the event has somewhat immobilized me to act and react to teachers and their needs and expectations of me which I hadn’t recognized and I find myself questioning my abilities. Virtually, I feel as if I’ve lost the trust of my administrator and colleagues and I don’t know how to get that safe feeling back. I’ve considered moving schools which is always up for possibility; however, this is not the time of year to do that. I’ve even looked at other employment possibilities but don’t want to react so abruptly. But what does come to mind is, I did nothing wrong and I won’t give her the satisfaction of a departure and allow her to have that kind of power over me.

My head also travels to a book I am reading titled, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s taken me awhile to muddle through this book, not because it’s difficult reading, but because I have a strong desire to understand how the reading applies to me. One story (#60) in particular did and I’ll sum it up as this: Liz was talking about her painful divorce to a group of people at the Ashram in India and someone asked her if she was going to allow her ex-husband to dictate the rest of her life as well as continue to be a strong force in her life. She referred to the situation as unresolved; an open wound that never goes away, to which she declared, ‘one of these days, this is just going to have to end!’

This is where I am with this person and that exact circumstance which sounds well and good when I am safely within my home, however when I am at school that’s a different story. It grates on me that she greets me in this lovely way and asks about me as if she truly cares about me. Really? Is she that insensitive? Does she honestly think she can berate me in front of colleagues and my admin. and I will forgive and forget?

However, for a plethora of reasons, I know I do need to forgive and forget, but remain unsure of the procedure; do I write a letter explaining myself and my feelings which I am much better at than doing it in person? Do I talk with her although I am not very good in face to face confrontation? Or do I just ask God for help? By the way, I’m soliciting help in asking your suggestion, since God did say, it was okay to ask for help~


Dianna said...

My thoughts ... write a letter. Read it for a few days. Give it to her, telling her you'd like her to read it and, if she's so inclined, to come talk to you about it. You can even tell her that you're more comfortable with writing to make sure you get all your thoughts expressed but that you're willing to talk amicably after she's read it and had time to digest it.

Lisa said...

I think writing the letter is a good idea but I have some other thoughts, too. First, that you will survive this - you will. And you will grow from this experience. You will see the people around you more clearly and when you see them with open eyes you'll realize that the person who hurt you is SOOOO not worth it and you'll embrace those that are truly your friends and quality colleagues. Surround yourself with positive people and shun the negative. Secondly, like I told you back in June - empower yourself. Do what is best for you. Maybe that means moving to another school or another job. It may mean persevering and proving yourself better. Get better - achieve greatness and leave the b**** in the dust.

boomchicks1 said...

Very well said Lisa and I agree with you! My feelings on letter writing...I think letter writing can serve a purpose to some degree and I do know that you express yourself extremely well through the written word; if you write something let it only be for yourself! Use it as a vehicle for your healing...then tear it up! I wouldn't give her anything in writting!!!!! You just never know what she might do with it, if you catch my drift...just sayin'....She is NOT worth taking so much of your energy away from yourself or the others that love you and whom you love!!!! I will try to call you within the next few days....hang in there....HUGS!! Love you!!

CarrieV said...

I had no idea you were going through all of this. I feel like this year has already been tense as well and can't quite pinpoint it. Just remember you are in this field for the kids, and don't let adult drama get you down.